Notes From A Sometimes Judgmental Tourist: Fun At The Airport?? You bet.

If you ask a random person about their favorite place in the world, you’ll generally be waxed poetic about European cities, Southeast Asian beaches, or that little, tucked away secret place that the storyteller simultaneously doesn’t expect you to travel to (because it’s that obscure) and hopes you don’t visit (because they have an irrational belief that the aforementioned place is “theirs.”)  However, millions visit one of my favorite places daily, and at different locations all over the world.  And, no, it’s not McDonalds. 

The Airport. Yes, the airport. That modern day torture chamber that has become the default whipping boy for travelers who feel the need to complain.  

I get it. Traveling can be both expensive and stressful. It can be tiring and mettle testing.    Unless you’re like George Clooney from “Up In The Air,” your travel plans are a diversion from your norm; therefore the process is generally out of your comfort zone and can be overwhelming.  Because people want travel to be completely painless, and it never is, the airport experience is viewed by many as tantamount to a straight hour of water-boarding.  But remember, every moment of travel can also be exhilarating, and the airport should be seen as the first step to your fun adventure! Think of it as a high tech shopping mall filled with vehicles that slingshot people all over the world. Not to mention, they have moving sidewalks.  Like the Jetsons!  How cool is that?  Yeah, yeah I know security might scan or touch you in inappropriate places, but just think that it’ll give you a story to tell during your next dinner party. Don’t believe me? Well, lucky for you, I’m here to tell you how to actually enjoy the airport. 

LEAVE YOURSELF TIME

I know people who will gladly sit on their couch and watch the minutes and seconds tick off the clock until the last possible moment before they leave for the airport. “But honey, if we leave now, we will have to, God forbid, sit and wait for pre-boarding. And, babe, I just … I just refuse to put myself through that kind of torture.”  “Oh, good point honey, you’re so smart, let’s just sit here and twiddle our thumbs for another fifteen minutes to avoid that moment.”  These are the same people who then stress out about traffic jams and security lines because they don’t want to miss their flight. “Why can’t this line move faster, I have a plane to catch!” they bellow. Well, I have a brilliant idea for these people: how about, I dunno, leaving earlier?  I know that’s a lot to grasp, and I also know what you’re thinking: what will you ever do to kill time?  Well …

THERE’S THESE THINGS CALLED STARBUCKS

I know all of you have spent time in Starbucks.  I’ve seen you all squint at the menu while scrunching your nose, taking your sweet time before you place an order you probably already decided on before you even left the house.  You don’t seem to mind being patient in these situations, so feel free to do this at the airport!  Have three hours to kill on a layover?  Be that guy who asks for a “triple-pump, quarter nonfat, quarter skim, quarter whole, quarter unicorn saliva Ventisoy latte at 125 degrees.” Then pull up a chair, a free newspaper, thermometer and relax while enjoying your coffee like it’s Sunday morning.  Travel is full of movement, so take this moment to sit still, gather yourself, and collect those thoughts. But, hmmm, don’t like coffee? 

EVER EATEN IN ONE OF THOSE THINGS…SHOOT, WHAT ARE THEY CALLED?  OH, RESTAURANTS

Eating!  What a concept.  And today’s airports are filled with choices, often selections more desirable than a mall food court.  Plus, since airplane food is often terrible, take this spare moment to eat something that doesn’t taste like Styrofoam, and put yourself in a good mood before sitting in an uncomfortable airplane seat for several hours.  Heck, even get a dessert.  You deserve it for being smart and getting to the airport early.  But, Brett you say, I’m really not hungry!  I don’t want to eat!  What will I ever do now? 

HAVE YOU HEARD OF BOOKS?

No?  Well, they are these bound paper things with words on them, and thankfully, these groups of words generally create interesting stories.  So, this is the perfect time to immerse yourself in the world of literature and, luckily, airports are full of bookstores that offer bestsellers, travel books, and magazines.  People continuously complain that both waiting for and sitting on flights is boring.  Well if you don’t have an iPad or laptop, reading is a great way to help pass the time.  Is reading not for you?  Buy new sunglasses, try new cologne at the duty free shop, visit the electronics store, see what the local souvenirs are, watch TV on one of the many available screens, and if you happen to be waiting in Vegas’s McCarran airport, gamble!  Are your carry-ons too heavy and you don’t feel like walking around for your entertainment? There’s this new invention called

THE INTERNET

You clearly know how to use it; you wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t.  And any major airport worth its salt has it. 

But…let’s just say ALLLLL the above sounds bad, well, there’s always …

THE AIRPORT BAR

The closest thing you’ll find to the Cantina on Tatooine in Star Wars.  People from all over the world gathered at the local watering hole, killing a few minutes till their flight.  And all of them willing to talk.  All of them.  There are four kinds of people at airports.  1) People nervous about traveling (nervous people love talking,) 2) People annoyed about traveling (annoyed people love to complain.) 3) People excited about their vacations (happy people can’t wait to tell you about their plans.) and 4) Business people (who love telling you what they do, and where they are going next, because they find their lives either exciting or tiring.) 

The common denominator here?  They are eager to talk, especially to people they know they may never see again.  Some of the most interesting conversations I’ve had have taken place in the airport bar, the airport, or the airplane. Hell, just within the past two years I’ve met several memorable people that have enhanced my traveling experience, including one that inspired a novel, one that remains a close friend, and one who happily informed me about Eastern European geography and hydrogen fuel cells.  And while I’m sure you’re picturing someone with a long greybeard and a pocket protector, just know she had great legs and gave a hell of a shoulder massage.  

Now, airport haters, chew on that.   

The airport doesn’t need to be your enemy; in fact, it should be the first fun experience of your vacation. While I have not seen research on the subject, the international airport has to be the true cultural melting pot of the world.  So, embrace the excitement, the chaos, the variety, the moving sidewalks, the currency exchange, the consumerism, and enjoy this luxury holding-pen before cramming yourself in that metal box that will escort you to your next destination. 

Bon voyage! 

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